You meet him and the sparks fly. You really like him. You’re excited to have finally found someone you connect with after months or years alone. The relationship starts off great, then, little by little, things start to slide.
Maybe he becomes neglectful or downright mean. Maybe he starts taking you for granted, the dates stop, you’re parked on the couch constantly. What’s a girl to do?
Take the time to really identify what you want in a relationship, determine whether or not it is possible with this person and act accordingly.
First, be really clear about the kind of relationship you want to have. Do you want to feel safe, heard and understood? How do you want to be treated? Do you want to move in together or get married?
How do you really feel about this person, not just having the “significant other” box in your life checked, but the man himself? Do you feel good about yourself when you are with him? Do you look forward to a future with him? Not just not alone, but with him, as he is now. Can you accept him?
Next, find out if you’re going to be able to have the kind of relationship you want to have with this person. Is he capable of meeting your needs? Is it possible now? Not in five years or after he finishes his MBA or climbs Mt. Kilimanjaro, now.
Now that the initial rush and excitement of the relationship has simmered down, you must evaluate the situation as it is. You can see things more clearly now than you did at first and you know what you’re dealing with. Keep the lines of communication open with him. Tell him how you’re feeling. Find out if he’s on the same page.
For the most part, a man who is your boyfriend wants you to be happy. If you let him know how this can be accomplished in a kind, friendly way, he will be more than willing to oblige.
Finally, if the situation is not workable it is time to move on. If you don’t feel safe, if you’re needs aren’t being met and you can see that they never will be, if you are not able to accept him in full, it’s time to go. Spending months or years wishing and hoping for things to be different under these circumstances are not a good use of your time. Cut your losses.
In the future, resolve to date men who want the same things you do, men you can accept who make you feel safe and loved. This is a much better plan than being ruled by chemistry and finding out months later that you’re in an unworkable relationship.
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