Are you really OK with casual sex?

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August 3, 2015

Are you really OK with casual sex?

It’s the morning after you’ve slept with a new man for the first time. How long does it take you to check your phone? If you’re like most women, you’re checking the thing all day for his call or text. Then there’s the next day, and the next.

The sinking feeling starts in the pit of your stomach. You go from surprised to sad to angry to wondering why the hell you care. Didn’t you just meet this guy?

It’s common for women to feel like they should be OK with no-strings sex or “friends with benefits”. Casual sex is considered socially acceptable and even revered in some circles. It seems like everyone’s hooking up and we should be too.

We feel like we should be able to date like men, but fact is that we are not men. We are wired differently than they are and with few exceptions, we don’t handle casual sex the same way that men do.

Our bodies produce hormones during and after sex that can bond us to the man we’re with, even if we didn’t think he was all that great before we did the deed.

The emotions that this chemical bond produces can wreak havoc later on if he doesn’t call. The guy you thought was just OK a few days ago has now sent you into a tailspin.

It’s common to feel very angry at this point. How could he be such a jerk? He should have called or at least texted!

Not so fast! If it was clearly going to be a casual thing, then getting pissed at him when he doesn’t call or text the next day really isn’t fair. You agreed to sleep with him outside of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and expecting him to step up and act like a boyfriend now is unrealistic.

He didn’t agree to those terms before you slept with him and it’s unfair to change the rules now. Instead of allowing yourself to be victimized in this way and getting angry at men for doing this, stop agreeing to casual sex if it makes you feel bad about yourself or angry at men. Anger will not serve you well in your life.

Instead, realize that men’s feelings don’t change when they have sex the way most women’s feelings do. It doesn’t make them bad or wrong. They are still capable of love and all sorts of wonderful things. They just don’t respond to sex the way women do and the sooner you stop expecting them to do so the happier you will be.

Be honest with yourself about what you want at this time in your life. Does a teeny tiny bit of you hope that he’s going to fall crazy in love with you after you’ve spent a passionate night together? Or do you hope that he will at least call you or take you on another date?

Are you REALLY prepared to hear nothing but crickets after you roll around naked with this person and allow him inside of your body? If so, you certainly have my blessing, but I’m betting that if you’re honest with yourself this will not be OK with you.

Sex can bring about powerful emotions and strong feelings for the person you’re having it with, especially for women. It is very possible to think that a casual encounter will be just fine with you and then feel very differently about it a few days later when Mr. Casual hasn’t contacted you.

If this is a pattern for you, it’s probably better to conclude that casual sex doesn’t work well for you and that you’re better off not engaging in it.

Getting to know a man gradually over time is always an option. If you’re in the market for a long-term relationship, this may be your best bet for taking care of yourself. Treating yourself with care and respect will help you to attract men who will do the same.


If you enjoyed this post and you’re ready to find the love of your life, check out my free video series “3 ways to find the love you want”.

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