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Are you craving closure?

He’s stopped all contact. You’ve been checking your phone for any word from him for days, maybe even weeks, and the silence is deafening.

You want to reach out to him, text him, call him, maybe even go to his place and confront him. How dare he do this to you? You thought you really had something, he told you he cared for you, was he just leading you on? Will you ever hear from him again?

Before you reach for the phone, or worse, your car keys, consider this: Your ex can’t give you closure, and even if he could, it wouldn’t help you feel better, true closure is moving on.

First of all, closure isn’t something another person can give you. As painful as it is, you need to work your way through this and feel your feelings, all of them. The pain, the rage, the missing him.

If you short-circuit this process, you’ll end up stuffing your emotions and they’ll resurface later, usually at inconvenient times, so just don’t. As awful as it is, set aside some time and just feel what you feel. Go ahead and cry. Mourn your loss.

Nothing another person can say will take away your feelings. He’s still gone. Knowing why won’t help and if you badger him about it he probably won’t tell you the truth anyway.

Let’s say he tells you he’s stopped contacting you because he wasn’t that into the relationship. Would that help? What if he’s gotten back together with his ex?

Do you think you’d feel any better if he told you that he was seeing three other women, met a fourth and didn’t have time for everyone so he dropped you? Probably not. Furthermore, if these things were true, he probably isn’t worth dating anyway.

What explanation from him would actually help you feel better? Maybe that he secretly loves you but is taking a time out? If that’s the case, you may hear from him again, or not, but the best thing to do is to just give him some space.

True closure is moving on with your life, and that’s something only you can do. Contacting the other person is not required. It’s best not to give someone else power over your happiness and peace of mind, especially someone who isn’t interested in being part of your life.

To get true closure, I suggest that you sit down and write a letter to him (please do not mail it) in which you pour out all your feelings. Tell him what a jerk he is, how much he hurt you, how much you miss him, how awful you feel.

Ask him all those raw, horrible questions that are bouncing around in your brain, why he didn’t want to be with you, what was wrong. Spend as much time as you need to until you don’t feel the angst anymore. You may need to do this more than once.

When you’ve finished and you feel lighter, write a letter to yourself from him in which he explains his side of the story. Tell yourself all the things you wish that he would say to you.

If you take the time to do this and really feel your feelings, you’ll be ready for whatever happens next, with him or someone new. Most of the destructive things we do in life are because of an inability to simply sit with our own feelings.

Give this time to yourself instead of reaching for the phone, the drink, or whatever your distraction of choice is, and you’ll be in a much better place for your next relationship.

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